Forgive, Forget. For what.

Healing from our life traumas is a complicated, messy, and non-linear process. We can take away certain lessons and do better, we can change our patterns of behaviour. We can let go of upsets and move on, realising that dwelling on those things doesn’t serve us. But what do we do when someone hurts us so badly, leaving irrevocable sadness, and they never apologise or acknowledge what they’ve done?

These moments can leave us feeling lost and hopeless. We can feel stuck in the process of healing because, if the other party doesn’t properly apologise and change their behaviour, it feels like there’s no way to move on. Many people have said that in these instances, the only thing to do is forgive and forget. Don’t worry about whether they feel remorse or whether they will change. You can still offer forgiveness and let go.

It may work for some, but for others, this solution is lacking.

Forgiveness is to release your feelings of anger and resentment. It is acknowledging that people aren’t perfect and make mistakes. It can indeed be a very healing, and sometimes necessary act. However, there are some acts of abuse and mistreatment that go so far beyond the line, they should not be forgiven. When someone repeatedly physically, emotionally, or verbally assaults another, and never apologises or changes their behaviour, there is no space for forgiveness.

Former tennis star Jelena Dokic detailed the unspeakable abuse she suffered at the hands of her father Damir in her book Unbreakable. She recalls times he beat her senseless, spat in her face, and called her names, all while she was a teenager facing the pressure of living in the tennis spotlight. She lived a life of shame and torment at the hands of the person who was meant to protect her the most.

In her interview with Australian Story, Jelena explained, “I don’t think he ever loved me. I’m a firm believer that you can’t do that to someone, especially a child, if you love them.” When she faced her father as an adult, seeking an apology, her father doubled down. He said he would do it all again. Jelena has said that she does not forgive him, but she doesn’t hate him.

Herein lies a fascinating nuance. We have been told for decades that forgiveness is the only way to move on. That we can forgive people even when they don’t apologise. Jelena does not forgive her father. She will not absolve him for the crimes he committed against her. However, she doesn’t hold onto any hate.

She has let go of the pain, the anger. She has turned her story into an inspirational book and documentary that has inspired people worldwide. Her strength and resilience shows that we can suffer unimaginable tragedies and still find the inner power to carry on. Not only that, Jelena has become a motivational speaker, using her platform to inspire others to turn their trauma into a life well-lived.

And yet, she does not forgive her father. This shows us that indeed, you do not have to forgive the other party in order to heal. In fact, forgiveness can only heal the relationship. It only applies to the formula when the two parties wish to mend their personal connection. After the apology comes forgiveness, and then, the relationship is renewed. The behaviours change, and both parties move forward with the old patterns gone. There may be some bumps in the road, and they may be tempted to fall into their old ways, but with the acts of responsibility, remorse, restoration and renewal, a relationship can move forward with a sense of hope.

When the guilty party does not apologise, this path is not possible. There is no reason to forgive a person who cannot face and accept their wrong-doings. Instead, the victim can find solace by accepting what happened, shedding the hate and anger, forgiving oneself, and finding ways to turn that pain into strength.

By doing this, the traumatised individual can find their way out of a serious rut in their healing process. So many victims get stuck in the process when they discover that they cannot forgive their abuser for what they did. There are some hurts that go too deep, some scars that never heal, and it is not for the victim to decide whether they are forgiven if they don’t apologise. The abuser will have to reckon with their own karmic debt at some point.

Until an abuser can truly apologise, show remorse and take responsibility for what they’ve done, there’s no space for forgiveness. However, it doesn’t mean that the injured party cannot find wholeness, healing and strength. Letting go of the hatred, outrage and humiliation is the first step. Accepting that you do not have to forgive or forget, but still deserve your own peace, is a very empowering thought indeed.

There is no one-size-fits all for your emotional convalescence. There is no schedule, no perfect step-by-step that exists. Keep an open mind in your process and keep the faith that reparation is always possible.

Forgiveness heals the relationship. But some relationships cannot be salvaged. Remember, we only have the power to change our own behaviours, thoughts and actions. We can never change others. Your own peace of mind is paramount in your process. Put yourself first and see what happens. You might find that once this roadblock is out of the way, your path is much more clear.

If you are in need of crisis support, please call Lifeline 13 11 14. If your life is in danger please call 000 immediately.